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| ~Portal to Heaven~ |
"I'm very sorry, but he's gone......."
How do you take another breath, knowing your beloved has just taken his last? How can you fathom a future without this little person by your side, sharing first smiles, sloppy kisses, and giggles galore?
One can't help but wonder "what do I do now? How will I get through this...."
The entire day was just a blur, with moments of vivid memories. I look back at our photographs taken during that final afternoon. The photographer's lens captured those heart wrenching images as we had to do the unthinkable.
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| ~remembering the way he felt in my arms, and his sweet, baby fragrance~ |
"How do you say farewell, when you've just held this tiny little being in your arms for the very first time since he entered this world, outside your womb?"
I remember walking out of the hospital that night, with empty arms. I hadn't taken a single breath of outdoor air in more than a week, since the day I entered the hospital to give birth 9 days earlier. I stayed by Bennett-Chadlen's bedside night and day, never wanting to be too far away in case the worst should suddenly occur. I wanted to be right there with him should they need to page me.
I stepped outside and took in a huge breath, and held it for a few moments. I could not believe what was happening.
"It's not supposed to be this way".
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| Bennett Bunny ~gift for Bennett-Chadlen, from his brothers for Easter |
I was clutching a stuffed bunny in place of him, an Easter gift to Bennett-Chadlen from his brothers.
In the days and weeks that followed I was able to look at the photos and feet-prints. I cherish the hand and foot moulds that were made with my hands, and the hands of Nimkee's siblings.
All of these items make him 'real'.
~But my aching arms were empty. All that I wanted to do was to be able to hold my baby once again. I wanted to feel my arms wrapped around him, breath him in, remember...........
My boys brought this bunny home, and decided to name him 'Bennett'. "Mom, we're going to name this bunny Bennett. He's now 'BENNETT-BUNNY'....and we're going to take turns sleeping with him so we can hug him at night."
I remember the sting of my tears as I fought them back, as they all looked at me wondering if they said something wrong? I grabbed a hold of them all---group hugs---and told them that they just made me so happy that I had tears of joy....because they love their baby brother so much and want to remember him. I told them it's all going to be okay.
Bennett-Bunny has been everywhere. He's taken road-trips to near and far-away places. They didn't leave the house without him.
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| ~Tanner & Bennett-Bunny on their way to the 2008 NICU Remembrance Gathering at Sick Kids Hospital, Toronto, Ontario |
Bennett-Bunny loves cartoons and video games too. He loves to play cars, and go on sleepovers to Gramma's house.
My boys love Bennett-Bunny, and he's been very instrumental in their ability to deal with their own grief. Bennett-Bunny has helped them to heal.......and remember.
It is our mission to help other 'Mothers and Siblings' to deal with their own empty arms, by filling them up with "BENNETT-BUNNIES" of their very own.
Gzaagin Nimkee ~ We love you ~ xxoo
